Faith: Found and Kept (part 2)

(This post is second in my "Faith: Found and Kept" series.  "Faith: Found and Kept" can be found here.)

During college, I, like most young adults, was in the midst of discerning my beliefs and values.  It's a time, for many, of trial by fire.  Or at least trial by error.  I knew I was pro-life.  I knew I was for helping the hungry and homeless.  I knew I supported my friends going on mission trips to dig wells in Nicaragua (though I never went -- I wish I had).  I knew I was opposed to political regimes imprisoning people under false pretenses, especially innocent people. And I knew I was for people getting the health care they needed to live their lives to the fullest, despite their socioeconomic status.  So I was happy to be part of a community that so actively supported events that raised money and awareness to remedy these problems.  Well, most of them.

Image: maya picture / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When I became pregnant with my first child, "pro-life" became more than a label.  It became very real to me.  How any woman who has carried a child in her womb can deny that a fetus is a baby is a human being -- well, it's beyond me.  Something clicked for me.  Part of it was no doubt the effect of the tickle of tiny feet from within my skin.  But part of it, I think, was that I didn't feel ready.  Yes, I was married and wanted to be a mom, but the truth was, motherhood came sooner than we had planned.  We were caught off-guard.  We were not on financially stable ground yet.  We were not prepared.  And this lead me to empathize with those women in tough spots, who "choose" abortion because they are afraid and unprepared.  I was blessed with a loving husband and a strong support system.  I knew I was among the fortunate.  And so, while I gained a greater realization for the depth of the desperation a woman might feel, I also gained a more solid grasp on what a precious and magnificent gift a child is, and how amazing it is to be part of a miracle.  I knew wanted to help save these lives, both those of the children in the womb, and those of the mothers who were considering making the worst choice of their lives.

As the pro-life cause grew into a passion within me, I came to search for ways to get involved through my church.  But the most I could find was an annual tithe to a local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  There were no groups from our church who went to any of the pro-life marches (though groups went to protest the School of the Americas).  There were no drives to supply the local CPC (though there were regular collections of toiletries for AIDS patients and their families).  There were no Natural Family Planning teachers or support contacts (though there were always letters to write on the behalf of political prisoners).  And there were no speakers who would come speak out about the Sanctity of Life, though about once a year someone would come speak about health care for the poor.

I took this as a call to be the seed and to invite others to join ME in praying at the abortion sites and writing our legislators, in collecting funds for CPCs and goods for moms in tight spots.

No one took me up on my invitation to join me at the 40 Days for Life vigil.  But that year in 2008, there was a full house at the church hosted information session about health care reform.  I was there.  But at that point, it was in hope that my growing suspicions had been wrong.  I was hoping with a lonely ache that the church I had grown to love was not pro-choice.

To be continued...

Faith: Found and Kept (part 1)

Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Two Sundays ago, I attended Mass at a church that I used to call home.  My husband and I had split up for the day because one of our boys was sick, so he took one healthy kid to Mass in the morning at one church, and I took the other healthy kid to another church in the evening.

During and after church, my son and I were approached by several members of the community saying how good it was to see us and asking if and when our family would be returning.

One woman, a lay leader, said, "... if you can find it in your heart to forgive us."  And I was taken aback.  I had never considered that I had anything to forgive really.  Just sadness for having grown apart.

But let me back up.

If you know me, I hope you recognize that I am a giving person and a forgiving person.  I also expect you've probably noticed that I'm a pretty conservative Catholic.  I am generally fiscally-conservatively minded, but I also embrace Catholic social teaching which calls us to stand in solidarity with the less fortunate among us and to be a voice to the voiceless.  But I guess I didn't always identify myself as that conservative Catholic.  I mean, don't we all go through events that lead us to do some soul searching?  Or that essentially knock us upside the head with a "holy two-by-four"?  Sometimes these events are subtle, slow shifts that nudge us from one school of thought to another.  Sometimes they are more jarring and more defined.

A decade ago I was a happy member of a small Catholic community that served the local college students.  I was one at the time.  I loved the warm and inviting community, the inclusiveness, the quiet setting of the church.  And I loved the priest who acted as our Campus Minister.  I noticed at the time that he did some things differently:  He used stoneware chalices and actual bread, not wafers for communion. And he invited us to speak the Doxology with him.  I loved these things and how they made Christ more tangible to me.  I needed these things at that point in my spiritual development. And it was good for me that I didn't realize these things were at odds with Church teaching.

To be continued...

hot with a juicy pink center (half-done)

I saw a variation of this on Jenn's blog and thought it would be fun (& easy) excuse for a post...

(Quotes grabbed from Charmaine's blog.)

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."
~ Emily Dickinson

Bold the activities you have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band (not unless you count the off-Broadway productions my sister, cousins & I put on in the basement as a kid)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (& Disney World)
8. Climbed a mountain (eh, I don't think what I climbed technically qualified)
9. Held a praying mantis (no, never actually considered picking the thing up. I've seen several up close & personal.)
10. Sang a solo (Used to cantor at church!)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child (2 cats, but no humans)
16. Had food poisoning (Curses to the tainted tomatoes of Memorial Day weekend, 2007)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train (not on an overnight one... but the trip from Luca to Pisa at 6 am lulled me to a nap.)
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (petted, but not held)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run (in the neighbor's front yard)
32. Been on a cruise (Honeymoon)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David (AWEsome. Seriously.)
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (in the drive-thru -- see the Drive-Thru Difference)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted (Drawn by an ex as practice for class -- being painted is different, though...)
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (Tried. Does that count? They don't want my anemic red stuff.)
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (Thank goodness for overdraft protection.)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square (on New Year's Eve, no less!)
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (Rode on a motorcycle with my grandpap, but that was hardly "speeding.")
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (a chapbook, technically, but still, the same process, just a shorter product)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (probably, but not straight through, so I'm not sure.)
86. Visited the White House (saw it in person from the road, but didn't walk in.)
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (not that I know of)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (twice!)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit (not unless you count "class action.")
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."
~ Abraham Lincoln

"Not quite dead yet!"

I haven't forgotten all you wonderful folks in blogland. Nor have I forgotten your questions and comments on my previous post. Life's just been a bit crazy. But I'm not quite dead yet!

Since my last post I've...

• finished Halloween costumes
• celebrated 3 nights of Halloween with the boys
• made a delicious pesto cheese ball... that looked like a gigantic eyeball.
• cooked fresh butternut & acorn squash for the first time (and realized how badly I need a quality kitchen knife)
• laid out the majority of the upcoming issue of SMR
• spent 1 hr & 50 minutes waiting to vote
• voted
• watched more than enough election coverage
• listened in on a motivating and inspiring post-election pro-life teleconference
• done massive amounts of laundry
• written a few poems
• packed
• driven 400 miles north to VA with the boys
• played at a playground with other kids
• made yummy soup with my sister & cousin, shared it with more family
• finally played Apples to Apples
• spent even more wonderful quality (though sorta rushed) time with family
• driven 400 miles back home (so much longer...)
• actually slept
• gotten in touch with the Respect Life coordinator at a local parish... time to do more than write.
• moved to a new office
• done a mystery shop
• gone to the dentist

... and tonight, I have a date with my G.P. regarding something too disgusting to blog about.

I haven't forgotten...

Talk about Ugly part 1: Terms of Life

As I had expected, my previous post struck some nerves, apparently. And also as I had expected, it has raised more questions and debate than it laid to rest. At this point, I intend to elaborate on my previous “Big Ugly” abortion post in three additional posts focusing on specific angles: a primer of terms (this post), misconceptions, and the law of it. Of course, I encourage and welcome discussion. (Just forgive me if I am slow to respond since the next couple days (and weeks) will be pretty busy for me.)


Terms of Life

In order to help minimize arguments based on semantics, I would like to clarify some of the terms generally tossed around relating to the abortion debate.

Abortion – Wikipedia defines abortion as “the termination of a pregnancy by the removal or expulsion of an embryo or fetus from the uterus, resulting in or caused by its death.” Though an abortion can occur naturally due to complications, I will use it solely to refer to induced abortions. Should the subject of a natural or spontaneous abortion arise, I will refer to it as a “miscarriage.”

Pro-Life – Generally used interchangeably with anti-abortion, pro-life traditionally refers specifically to human life. Wikipedia states: “The term describes the political and ethical view which maintains that fetuses and embryos are human beings, and therefore have a right to live.” I have heard arguments that individuals are personally concurrently pro-life and pro-choice; for the sake of clarity, let’s limit “pro-life” to the belief that all human life, from conception to natural death, should be protected by law.

Pro-Choice – According to Wikipedia, pro-choice as the “view that a woman should have complete control over her fertility and the choice to continue or terminate a pregnancy.” As I state above, some people claim to be pro-life and pro-choice concurrently; for the sake of clarity, I will limit “pro-choice” to refer to those who believe a woman’s productive “rights” should be protected over the rights of an unborn child.

Pro-Abortion – In favor of abortion. Generally, this term is used interchangeably with pro-choice. I have found, however, that most pro-choice people are not actually in favor of abortion itself, just the “right” for “someone else” to have one. In the event that it comes up in this or subsequent blogs, it will refer specifically to proponents of abortion. Like maybe this guy.

Types of Abortion

Please note this is by no means comprehensive!

Medical Abortion – Abortion by means of drugs or a combination of drugs.

Surgical Abortion – This is the ending of a pregnancy by surgical means, such as MVA, D&C, Saline Abortion or Partial Birth Abortion.

Late-Term Abortion – As the term suggests, a Late-Term Abortion is an abortion performed late in the pregnancy. Sources differ in what “late” refers to, with some stating “after 12 weeks,” others saying “after 16 weeks,” and the majority stating it refers to “after 20 weeks.” Should the issue come up, I will consider it to mean “after 20 weeks gestation.”

Partial Birth Abortion – Formally known as intact dilation and extraction or IDX, partial birth abortion has been used for late-term abortions.

Saline Abortion – Saline Abortion is a term occasionally used to refer to the broader term “Instillation abortion.” Instillation abortion is a method used during the second and third trimesters, by injecting a chemical (such as saline) solution into the amniotic fluid to cause uterine contractions. The chemical solution burns the baby before causing the mother to expel the child.

Manual Vacuum aspiration (MVA) – Abortion by means of a vacuum used to literally suck the baby from the mother’s womb. This is the most common type of abortion and is generally used in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

Dilation and curettage (D&C) – According to Wikipedia, D&C is “the second most common method of abortion, is a standard gynecological procedure performed for a variety of reasons, including examination of the uterine lining for possible malignancy, investigation of abnormal bleeding, and abortion.” This is generally limited to the first trimester or approximately 13 weeks of pregnancy.

Selected Related Law and Legislation

Roe V. Wade – The landmark Supreme Court decision of January 22, 1973, which has shaped debate about abortion in America ever since. Google it for the details if you’re not familiar with it, or click the term for the Wikipedia entry.

Freedom of Choice Act (FOCA) – Wikipedia sums up the FOCA as “a bill in the United States Congress which, if enacted, would abolish all restrictions and limitations on the right of women in the United States to have an abortion, whether at the State or Federal level.” By eliminating all restrictions and limitations, the FOCA would also “nullify the types of abortion laws that the Supreme Court has said are permitted under Roe v. Wade.” (Johnson)

Born Alive Infants Protection Act – An act of Congress to protect infants who were born alive as a result of an induced abortion.

Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act (PBA Ban) - A United States law prohibiting abortion by means of IDX.

Stay tuned for “Talk about Ugly pt. 2: misConceptions.”

The Big Ugly.

When a girl is a Mraz-loving, artsy-fartsy, tree-hugging, feminist who writes poetry, chances are she'll be in the minority of her peers when it comes to her pro-life leanings.

In this society of politically correct niceties, the pro-life activist is labeled "narrow-minded" at best, and all too often considered a bigot.  It's "bad form" to even suggest you don't support "a woman's right to choose."  No wonder the issue of abortion is one so many people tiptoe around and avoid confronting: akin to religion and politics, the abortion debate has grown into the sore spot where both of those sensitive topics meet.  Where the ruling of Roe v. Wade was intended to settle an issue, it has created a bloody divide instead.

I have not really delved into this issue myself for the simple fact that I was considering my audience.  Which is exactly why I should have brought it up sooner.

* * * * *

This election has been making me physically ill.  I have been useless at work lately, getting my work done, but not as efficiently as I should.  I have been preoccupied to the point of exhaustion.  I have been having nightmares about not getting to vote, about showing up late, or not being registered.  I have awoken feeling as though I had spent hours crying.

* * * * *

Do you really know what a partial birth or late term abortion is or how one is performed?

"But," some assert, "Obama supports restrictions on late term abortions and only really supports the procedure when the mother's health is endangered." The Partial Birth Abortion Ban affords the senator and fellow pro-abortion fans such a loophole, one that allows partial birth abortions to continue under the guise of "protecting the mother's life."

For the record, The Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003 states:

Hundreds of ob-gyns and fetal/maternal specialists, along with former Surgeon General Koop have come forward to unequivocally state that “partial-birth abortion is never medically necessary to protect a mother’s health or her future fertility.”  In fact, the procedure can significantly threaten a mother’s health or ability to carry future children to term.  The American Medical Association has said the procedure is “not good medicine” and is “not medically indicated” in any situation.

... so why is the loophole necessary if not to abuse it?

* * * * *

Do you know what infanticide is? 

 * * * * *

My second child was born premature.  The span of 50 minutes from when my doctor confirmed that I was "going to have this baby today" to when I actually delivered was among the most frightening experiences of my life.  We were fortunate that he was not dangerously early. But still, his lungs were underdeveloped, so he was swept away as soon as he was delivered, taken to be teathered to a ventilator, IV, feeding tube, heart monitor...

But because he was wanted, he survived.

 * * * * *

Without the Born Alive Infant Protection Act, a premature baby who is marked for abortion but survives is not afforded any right* to medical care for the simple fact that the child was unwanted by the birth mother.  (*Due to the language of Roe v. Wade, we apparently can't just say "a baby is a baby -- care for it.")

The Born Alive Infant Protection Act prevents the disposal of such children.

Obama opposed the bill.

* * * * * 

I am aware that abortion is not the only issue at stake this election.  Nor is it the only life-affirming issue to up for consideration: the war, poverty issues, and health care fall under the same umbrella.  However, I believe the issue of Life is the most important issue.

To consider a child to be less than human simply because he or she is not wanted by his or her birth mother, to me, that is evil.

Let's put it this way: if you witnessed a mother walk up to a train track and lay her newborn down on it and walk away, would you rescue the child?  Or would you leave the child to die because that's what the mother wanted?  Isn't that question absurd?! You don't even have to be smarter than a 5th grader to know it would be wrong to leave the child to die.

But that's exactly what that man is choosing.

And as far as I can see, any person who cannot make such an obviously straightforward moral choice ought not be handling any other matter facing our nation.

 * * * * *

I expect I'm down to only one reader from now on.  But maybe I can sleep tonight for a change.

The middle: where to start

What if you knew you were immortal ... as long as you never fell asleep? What if you knew that the second you hit REM, you would leave your fleshy confines, never to return?

To what lengths would you stay awake? Would you "not go gently into that good night"? Or would you do what you could to tie up loose ends before welcoming the sleep to end all sleep?

At one point in my life, there was no question that I would welcome, not fight Dylan Thomas' "good night." But since then, I have celebrated a few more birthdays, married my (somewhat unlikely) soulmate, and been blessed with two amazing children. I've managed a handful of creative accomplishments that -- noteworthy or not -- I am proud of. All of these things are attachments of sorts, "loose ends" I can't tie up, no matter how much time I might be given.

But still there are days I live for sleep.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

...

A week ago, my maternal grandfather, Grandpap R. passed away. Prior to his death, he had been in the ICU about 10 days, including a few days of heavy sedation -- meaning he was unconscious.

...

As I write this, "Details in the Fabric" is playing.

"Hold your own,
know your name,
and go your own way
everything will be fine..."

...

So I went up to PA this past Wednesday & Thursday for the funeral. As strange as it might sound, it was probably the "happiest" funeral I have ever been to. That's not to say all eyes were dry. But it was full of laughter as well. It was a family reunion.

God, I hope it's not our last.

It was wonderful, really. I think 14 of the 16 grandchildren made it in (in addition to all 7 of his children), many of whom I haven't seen in years. It's strange and amazing that we're all part of the same family. Really, in many cases we're more different than we are the same. But then you notice his jawline, her laugh, the way the three of them stand just like their mother who got it from Grandma. ... And somehow we're all family again.

...

I think this is the first time I've really cried yet about this. Not that I've been holding back or in or anything. But I've been holding up and keeping busy. Not as a defense, but as a side effect of life. Even up there at the funeral, I took our youngest (and only him) since he could fly free on my lap, so I was preoccupied with him, I guess. At the viewing, it was all foreign and strange to me. The body in the casket was a wax man with too much make-up. I had absolutely no emotional attachment to him. But to the right was their wedding picture. And I got choked up over that, but that was it.

Mom pointed out that difference (between his as opposed to my grandmother's death 18 years ago) is the difference between a full, long life well lived and one cut too short.

...

As a point of public note, I request that no roses or chrysanthemums be included in any arrangements for my funeral when that comes. Wait, no. Stick with the no chrysanthemums (mums are ok, but those big ones, no), but let's restrict the roses to the pretty, less fragrant mini roses: the smell of roses says funeral to me. I hate it. As soon as I opened the door to the funeral home the first time there, it hit me, like a blast of hot air from inside a car that's been sitting in the July sun all day.

I prefer lilacs be sent in lieu of roses.

I prefer donations to the pro-life charity of your choice be sent in lieu of flowers in general.

No, I'm not quite dead yet. But we never know when this information could actually be relevant.

...

Ever just feel like screaming out of frustration? I mean, I feel like I'm grinding my gears and spinning my wheels. I feel like there's so much I'm supposed to do with my life. I feel like there's something big out there I'm supposed to be a part of. But I don't know what or where it is. How does one work toward a goal she can't define?

"Go your own way."

...which would be ...?

it takes some good to make it hurt

I swear, my head is about to explode. Or something. The past few days have been a constant emotional roller coaster.

Starting with Saturday, I actually got some work done in my (lame excuse for a) garden. Mostly I just weeded, but I also spread out some plants and generally just felt good about accomplishing that much. It's hard to garden with two small "helpers" who would prefer a construction zone for toy trucks over a garden any day.

Also on Saturday and early Sunday, I got a lot of work done on laying out SMR #3. I'm feeling good about how that's shaping up, but I'm still lacking in the cover department, so I'm starting to stress over my creative block in that arena.

Sunday night, I have learned that a close friend has cancer. Today I was told another close friend's father has it too. I don't know how threatening either one's condition is, which leaves plenty of room to speculate and worry. I've felt like crying since, but haven't.

On Monday, I was offered a notable job opportunity. It would mean big changes from finances to responsibilities to habits. But it's not clear cut if it would be the best move for me, mostly since it's still not quite what I want to be doing.

Also on Monday, I made some good progress on a pet web/poetry progress, which I'm sure to blog about in the near future.

Last night I went to a good business class & felt empowered.

Today I finished a big project at work which felt like I'd been working on forever, so that was a relief. Then before leaving I spoke with HR candidly about the job opportunity I'd received. Basically, that was left with me needing to decide what I want. They might match the pay. If I ask for it.

Today, thank God for easy, happy decisions to make: I got the email announcing Jason Mraz' US
tour info -- and he's stopping within an hour of here! So I'm pre-ordering my ticket(s) tomorrow. Oh, happy day -- April 17th!! I so need that! Of course, DH isn't interested in going. I think if I'd press, he'd come. Or if the tickets were free. But he says he really has no interest. And I'd hate to push him to come, because then I'd feel responsible for him enjoying himself, and I wouldn't really enjoy it. So, I'm going to try to find a "date," but I might just "go stag"... it could be fun to be "single" for the night.

Life is crazy, huh?

(I am so freaking exhausted.)